Stop Fighting, Start Connecting: How the conflict-to-connection equation will revolutionize your couple relationship

Stephen and Erin Mitchell

Key Takeaways:

  • Struggles in relationships after having kids are normal, and they don’t mean failure but rather an adjustment period.
  • Many parents feel disconnected, alone, or like their partner isn’t fully on their team.
  • Sharing personal experiences helps rebuild connection, starting with telling your own version of the birth or baby arrival story.
  • Storytelling fosters understanding and deepens emotional connection by allowing each partner to express their perspective.
  • Conflict doesn’t have to be negative; it can be an opportunity to strengthen attachment by exploring feelings with curiosity.
  • Instead of avoiding disagreements, approach them with openness and listen rather than trying to fix.
  • Checking in daily, even briefly, by making eye contact and asking, “How are you?” can make a difference.
  • Avoid assumptions by directly asking your partner about their experience instead of filling in the blanks.
  • A simple weekly team meeting, even just 10 minutes, can help couples reconnect and share their emotional world.
  • Walking while talking can make conversations easier, reducing pressure and encouraging openness.
  • Recording your story as if being interviewed can help with self-expression and clarity.
  • Finding moments to reflect individually during daily routines, like driving, showering, or exercising, helps prepare for deeper connection.
  • Resentment and miscommunication are common, but small intentional steps can rebuild closeness over time.
  • Many couples think struggles will resolve once they get more sleep or their child reaches a certain age, but healthy relationships require ongoing effort.

 

Erin and Stephen are the authors of Too Tired To Fight and cofounders of Couples Counseling for Parents, a company focused on providing access to research-informed, psychologically sound online education for couples. Both have a clinical education—Stephen, a PhD in medical family therapy, and Erin, a master’s degree in counseling psychology—and they have a combined 23 years of experience providing counseling and education. They have been married for 16 years and have three kids.

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Empathy Exercise to Resolve Conflict

Empathy is the process of attuning to self, imagining what another’s experience might be, and coming to a place of mutual validation and loving action. Empathy is the key to having a healthy couple relationship and being effective parents. This exercise helps couples “locate” empathy for one another and move through conflict and resentment and towards connection and loving action.

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